The Bozo-Daquiri Beach Story

This next story is actually the tale of a trip I took after my freshman year of college, and this blog wouldn't be complete unless I wrote about it. After graduating my senior year of high school we went on our senior trip to Myrtle Beach, SC. This was a really fun week full of drunkenness, bad decisions, and various other obscene activities. It was so much fun that the next year we went to Myrtle again...during senior week for high schoolers....even though I was a sophomore in college. I know, I know, this may have seemed a bit "loserish", but keep in mind how many drunk naive girls go down there, and you begin to rationalize the way I did. We were also all 19 years old, and unable to get into the big boy bars. I'm not saying that this didn't make us "those guys", I'm just trying to allow you to see from our perspective at that time. Anyhow, we decide we are going to drive down to Myrtle in a car caravan with my buddies girlfriend following behind us. They guys I went down with were German and Giraffe. Sugartits and his girlfriend were at a wedding and would be down a day after us. A group of girls followed us down in a piece of shit Honda...they were Sugartits girlfriend "Dung's" friends, the girls names we were traveling with were "FatBitchOne", "FatBitchTwo", and "Ruby". Ruby was one of my best friends from my childhoods girlfriend; he ask me to watch her back since he wasn't going. I've know the guy since I was four years old, so of course I agreed. We left home around midnight, and I volunteered to drive Ruby's car because it was a manual, and I had just learned to drive stick. German and Giraffe took the lead, and I followed behind in Ruby's Car. It was a uneventful trip until we just about to cross the Ohio border. I see the cars in front of Giraffe's car brake lights glow red, and every car car on the road began swerving in different directions. Giraffe's car was blocking my view of what was happening, so I stayed behind him following closely. Giraffe suddenly swerved right, and if front of me, in my path, in my lane, was a near-dead deer that was flopping around dying. The car in front of Giraffe's car had struck it, and Giraffe hadn't seen it until the last minute. It was too late to react, I tried to swerve out of the way...and I failed. I could hear its bones break as I ran over all four of legs. It was terrifying. All of sudden the car was filled with screams and hysterical crying from Ruby, Fat BitchOne, and FatBitchTwo, as I attempted to pull the car over. The car began to jerk violently, and I was worried I broke an axle. Once I pulled over I realized that I failed to use the clutch (at all) during this incident, and was actually able to shift gears somehow without using the foot pedals. Maybe it was the adrenaline, or maybe it was the car being a piece of shit, but I swear that happened. We pulled over for a bit, and the girls were still crying, as I literally killed a deer before their eyes...with a car! If you want females to hate you don't just settle for calling them 'cunts'; kill a large creature before their eyes with a motor vehicle. I've hunted before so the fact that I ran over a deer didn't really phase me, but these girls acted like I should be condemned to death for it. It was funny how much they cried. I know I am going to hell for this, and I do not care. Anyhow, we pile back in the car, and eventually make it to Myrtle Beach.

As soon we arrive, we get our bags in the room, and we immediately proceed to the nearest liquor store. This is last time I was sober the entire the trip. We buy liquor, Everclear, and beer; and begin drinking in the car before we even make it back to the room. Everclear deserves its own category as it is 190 proof grain alcohol that can cause you to go blind it you drink to much. The stuff takes you to hell with it in about 4 mixed drinks...its awesome. Anyhow, we come back, change, and hang out that day at the beach. The drunker I got the more I would ridicule the fattys we had with us. My goal was to get one of them to commit suicide by the the end of the vacation. Giraffe scopes out some chicks on the beach and German and I introduce ourselves. We immediately started hanging out with these attractive girls and continued to well into the night; so we wouldn't have to watch the McFat girls who were next door eat enormous amounts of food that really fat people typically tend to eat. You know the kind of food that comes in bags and plastic wrap? That kind.

All three of us men then begin to then drink vigorously as we awaited for Sugartits and his girlfriends arrival. German and I win the prize in the alcoholic division as we are going shot for shot, round for round all day, with the two girls we meet at the beach early. We drank more tequila than a stay at home soccer mom going through her second divorce. I remember running into the ocean with German at one point around 2pm, and then throwing the girls into the serf after us. I remember hiding and puking by a lifeguard stand at one point. And the last solid memory I have is doing a double shot with the girls, and then walking out on the balcony to see a sunrise. I literally drank all night. Next thing I know I wake up in the girl I was with's bed. I still am unsure what went down to this day, but I didn't have to pay for an abortion or contract AIDS out of the event...so fuck it.

The next day Sugartits and his girlfriend, Dung, arrive and so does a tropical storm. God it rained so hard that all we could do was drink in our room. We would drink and pass out. And repeat. I remember at one point Sugartits had the idea to mix Everclear with Muscle Milk so we wouldn't have to stop drinking to eat. This tells you basically all you need to know, as all of us were thoroughly Boso-drunk all day. Giraffe drank a entire bottle of Jack that day, and German and I polished off two bottles of rum. I fought Giraffe in a fist fight at some point during the day for using all the plastic cups. After the day drinking we decide to go to the Dick's Last Resort for dinner that night. We all begin to drink even more, even though we are going to a family restaurant. I was inhaling everything on the counter that was in a bottle. This was before the time were I actually learned to drink socially; it was a scary time for me, as well as a scary time for all local law enforcement agencies, and anyone within projectile vomit range. I was on the balcony at one point getting ready to head to dinner with the girl from the previous night "BeachGirl". We were watching the storm, and I was enjoying a cigar, when Dung came to me and told me Sugartits was drunk and wandering around the parking lot in the lightning storm. Sugartits drunk-mind thinks Dung is cheating on him, and he dealing with this revelation by walking around outside in a tropical storm. I tell her at first that "he'll be alright" as it is not a actually hurricane, just the closest thing to it, and his chances of being struck by lightning are not that great. She then goes into a sob story of how its my responsibility as his best friend to get him. I normally wouldn't have cared about this fact. Yea, Sugartits is my best friend, and yes it was a pretty bad storm. On one had I should go get him, as we all have been drunk and done dumb shit like this. On the other hand I am drunk, and with Beachgirl who I know I can have sex with. Sugartits wouldn't ever intentionally cock-block me so, I decide to stay with BeachGirl until she pulls one of the ultimate female power play moves on me... and takes Dung's side. Note: Any girl will always help another girl out if she is about to cry, even if they don't like each other (scientific proven fact). BeachGirl convinces my drunk ass to get Sugartits out of the rain with provocative movements involving the use of cleavage. Tits are my weakness, so I agree to go get my friend. I know, I am a sucker. Anyhow, I head down the stairs and see Sugartits. It was the funniest, and yet most pathetic sight I had ever seen. He was in a white shirt that was soaked transparent by the rain, holding a strawberry daiquiri (bitch drink, I know), talking to himself, and wandering around the hotel parking lot in the way of moving cars. I laughed at first and then went over to get him. I wanted to make this quick, so I head over to grab him and take him to our room. I grab his arm, he pushes me away from him, and throws a strawberry daiquiri on my new khaki shorts. This act of war pisses me off. I walk over to him, and he is mumbling inaudible drunk shit. I tell him to come in, and he tells me to fuck off. The conversation went like this for several minutes until Sugartits threw the drunkest hay-maker punch in history at my face. He leaned back and really put all his weight into this swing (and that's a lot of weight). Sugartits is about 6'1" and 260lbs, so if this hits me I'm done. Sugartits is so drunk though that the punch is in slow motion. I see it coming a mile away, lean back, and watch as Sugartits punch momentum causes him to fall violently on the wet pavement. He hits the pavement and does some kind of a somersault maneuver. I look down at him and laugh, then I see my pink stained pants and stop laughing. I help Sugartits up as he is dazed, and has that look on face really drunk people get when they have NO idea what the fuck is going on. When Sugartits stands up he begins to cry and says to me: "Boso...man...Why did you hit me, man? You hit me and I fell. You hit me mother fucker. Dude, I would never hit you Boso...ever. I would never ever hit you! Why would you hit me?" He begins to cry harder now, as he thinks I have hit him in the face, and betrayed him as a friend. I inform him that he tried to knock me out, and fell in the process, but he is so wasted he doesn't' understand. I finally get him back to the room, and he passes out cold in the bed. I take off my strawberry daiquiri stained pants, hand them to Dung, and inform her that she now owes me sixty bucks for the ruined pants and my services. The rest of us left still standing do end up going to Dick's Last Resort restaurant that night. I get even more wasted in the car on the way their by chugging Gatorade and vodka ( I was pissed). I somewhat blacked out during the wait for dinner, but I remember the following:

• Trying to sing Karaoke to Jimmy Buffet's, Brown Eyed Girl, even though they did not have a Karaoke machine at the Restaurant.
• Trying to buy beer with my Zip Card (college ID)...at a restaurant...in another state.
• Tipping the waitress $20 to make "extra fun" of "team fat bitch" who insisted on tagging behind us to the restaurant. Note: Never tell anyone fat that you are going to get food...they will ALWAYS come...even when not invited.
• Waking up in the car, heading back to the hotel, and being yelled at for being an "asshole".

Ass Tat

The last event of this trip is the best story I have in my arsenal. It deserves is own sub-title, that is how important this story is. Keep in mind the tale I am about to tell you is about 95% true; some of it may have been tweaked a bit to avoid future felony charges being filed against me.

The last day of the trip German and Giraffe left early to visit German's dad. This left Sugartits and I in one hotel room with Ruby, Dung, FatBitchOne, and FatBitchTwo until the next morning. It also left us with two cars: Ruby's and Dung's. I spent most of the day drinking, and ridiculing everyone I was with. We only had Everclear left, so I got super duper fucked up. I surpassed the Boso-drunk stage at this point, and was on the verge of having to my stomach pumped at one point. I made fun of Sugartits for being with his girlfriend all the time to the point he wouldn't talk to me anymore. I laughed at the sloppy fatness of the hogs I was with , and muttered various other offensive slurs to piss off anyone around. I was miserable. At some point in the day, I meet a girl in the hotel, hung out, and ended up hooked up with her in the shower in my room. She tells me after the fact that her, and her and her friends are getting tattoos and tongue piercings a little later. I am drunk. Currently hate the people I am with. And love the idea of a group of 18 year old hotties with new tongue piercings they may wish to try out. I'm going (I am unsure whether I was actually invited but fuck it). I need a car though. I go to Ruby to ask to use her car...she hates me for ridiculing her friends, and won't give me her keys. I go to Dung and put on a super nice front, apologize for some things I said, and convince her to give me the keys to her car. She doesn't want to at first; as her cars brand new, technically her parents, and she thinks I am retarded. On the other side she wants me gone, so she can be in peace with Sugartits, and so her obese friends can exist without my obscene comments. She gives me the keys. Boo-yah!

We head out and I follow a minivan full of girls. I convince some of the girls to ride with me and pile them in Dung's car. Before leaving Dung made me promise her four things: 1. to not let anyone drive her car but me, 2. to make "it quick", 3. to not drink, and 4. to not let anyone else ride in her car. Fuck that shit! I break all of these rules before I leave the parking lot. I follow this minivan not exactly knowing where we are going at first. After 15 minutes of driving I want to know where the fuck we are heading because I am running out of 'Gatorade', and have to piss. The girls in my car inform me that tattoos (at this time at least) were illegal in South Carolina, and that we were headed to North Carolina...which was roughly two hours away. They pull over to ask for directions from a gas station. After I pee, I refuse to drive anymore, and tell the girls I am riding with them in the minivan. Since I am not driving there is no reason why I should not be drinking at this point. I enter the gas station, somehow avoid getting carded (I was underage at this time), and buy two cases of Natural Light. I enter the minivan and begin drinking heavily. The girls are afraid to drink as they do not think you can get a tattoo or piercing drunk, so I pound beer after beer, only stopping to pee at various intervals on the side of the road. I pretty much blacked out on the way to the tattoo shop from excess alcohol consumption, but I do remember (vaguely) taking off my shirt for some reason (my shirt had a picture of "Bozo the Clown" on it), and remember getting back in the van to come home. I drank the whole way home, and its all a blur, until I get back to the hotel. I remember going into the room that I was in with Sugartits, and puking in the bathroom. I remember looking at Sugartits and seeing him laugh harder than I had ever seen before for some reason. I passed out, and woke up to feel a bandage on my ass. Save the jokes here guys, if this ever happens to you, it is scary. I mean I had a bandage on my ass. What the fuck?? I went to the bathroom and pulled the tape and plastic wrap off my ass. Behold, on my ass was a real tattoo of Bozo the Clown. It was the same one from the T-shirt I had on. Apparently, I went to the tattoo shop to watch these girls get tattoos, was drunk as shit, and decided to get the design on my shirt tattooed on my ass because my last name is Boso. I now had a palmed size, permanent tattoo of clown on my ass. I rubbed it...it hurt. This was my reality. This was happening. As if waking up hung over, having to drive 10 hours, and also having a new tattoo on ass isn't enough for one day; Sugartits decided to take pictures of my ass tat while I was passed out and send them to my mother. He then called her, told her what I did, and she proceeded to scream at me violently via cellular phone the next morning. We pack up, grab Dung's car, and head out. My ass was raw, and sitting for hours in a car was killing me. At one rest stop in Virginia I almost got into a fight with an enraged father when I put ointment on my ass tattoo in front of a van full of children...my bad dude.

When we got back to Ohio I at first delayed going to my parents house. My family should never know about this tattoo, I mean it was on my ass, but because of Sugartits' "douchebagness" my mother knew about it. She demanded to see my 'butt tat' the minute I walked in the door. I don't know which is weirder...showing your mom you ass or waking up with a tattoo on your ass. I decided what the hell and showed her. She thought it was funny as shit. My mother even got door mats made with the exact 'Bozo the Clown' logo found on my ass for house. How awesome is that?

In conclusion this was one of the drunkest days of my life, and top 5 worst/best decision ever. I woke up with a tattoo on my ass. Who does that but me? Seriously people. I don't regret my ass tat as my last name is Boso, and having a clown tattoo on my ass is funny shit. I mean how awesome is that? Plus it makes great drunk conversation with chicks at a bar when the "do you have any tattoos? question comes up. All in all, I don't know if I was a fan of tattoos before this event, but was kind of forced into become one after.