The night the cab caught on fire

OK, this first story happened May 23, 2009. Let me first provide the backdrop for the events that occurred. My friend who I will refer to as Redbull for the purpose of this story is in the Military. He is my fraternity brother, one of my best friends, and is an old chapter president. He moved to Arizona a while back when he took a job for the government. Yea, this dude is a serviceman AND federal agent for the government; keep those facts in mind as it will only make this shit I am about to tell you funnier. When he was deployed in the Middle East for about five months Redbull routinely called me to bitch about how bad his life sucked balls, and how much he wanted to come back to Akron (Note: I have NEVER heard anyone be excited to come back to this shithole city).

Anyhow, I'm in my room on a random Friday and had no plans to do anything, but wack off and watch Entourage. My phone rings and its "Redbull's" name on the caller ID; not the military number he had been calling me from. I get happy cause I figure that my boy is finally home and not dead.
"Hey Boso, what's going on"
"Not to much at all. You back in country?"
"Yea, just got in. I'm at my parents in Medina. I'm bored as fuck. You gonna be at the house? I wanna stop by."
"Yep, I'm not going anywhere. You wanna go get fucked up at B-Dubs (our spot)."
"No, I'm just taking it easy. I just wanna hang out. I'll be down." This was a blatant lie, as I would soon find out.
"Cool. I'll put some pants on."
I get ready and soon Redbull arrives with a six pack of Bud Lite Lime (I didn't buy this watered down fruit piss water, he did so I don't wanna hear it). Its only about 7pm so we sit in my room and devour 3 beers a piece. Redbull is a skinny, around 160lbs (if that), and had been on a 2 beer limit while deployed. He states he is soon "feelin' it". I point out the fact that he should not drive home, and that because of this fact it is a good idea for him to go binge drink more at the bar with me. He agrees that this is a good plan. Upon leaving his phone is dying. He calls his wife to tell her to call my cell to get hold of him. Keep this in mind. It will be relevant later.

We walk to Buffalo Wild Wings. This is not the type of place you go to get shitfaced retarded while its still light outside on a Friday. This does not stop us. We arrive. Their are about 6 people in this place besides us. We sit down at the bar, and begin to order. We each get real beers. After slamming about 3 rounds Redbull decides we should do shots of Rumplemintz, it is at this point I realize we are going to get in trouble tonight.

For those of who don't know Rumplemintz is 100 proof peppermint schnapps. It is sweet, syrupy, and really fucking strong. It is a blackout waiting to happen, because it fucks you up quicker than anything else I have ever found.

We do a round of shots and it is at this point I decide to stand. I have trouble with this feat and almost fall. I am fucked up. I look at Redbull...he is mentally retarded. He is almost drooling on himself as he yelling at the bartender to turn the Indians game off in favor for a youth karate competition that had been watching. He is passionate about this request. He bitches so much they turn off a pro-baseball game at a sportsbar so he can watch a 10 year old twurl a fake sword.

We do more shots and drink more beer and Redbull becomes increasing pissed about how no one appreciates what he did while he was deployed. He moves from pissed to enraged even though I am agreeing with him, and no one else is listening.
Because I am drunk and my friend is now enraged and drunk I decide we should go to a larger bar with more people. We decide to walk down the street to Barley House. Barley House is THEE bar in the shithole dump city of Akron. It is large, and everyone goes there. We arrive around 10pm. No one is there really. We sit at the bar and Redbull orders.
"We need 2 Bud Lights, 2 Irish car bombs, 2 shots of Jack, and 2 shots of Rumplemintz."
We drink all of this and then proceed to get three more rounds of it. As we are drinking, Redbull is attempting to fight the man wearing a suit next to us.
Me-"Why do you wanna whip his ass"?
Redbull-"HE IS WEARING S SUIT AND LOOKING AT ME! HE IS GAY! LETS BEAT HIS ASS!"
Me-"You haven't looked away from him for like 1o minutes. Maybe he just wonders why your staring him down, dude"
Redbull-"Fuck you. I'm gonna beat his ass!"
Me-"Do it to it dude. Whatever. But if you wanted to kill someone you should have done it over there. That way you get a medal for it and you could make yourself a right ear only necklace".

Redbull heeds my words, and for some reason decides I make sense. He goes back to drinking and is now less crazy than he's had been. Both of us are now too shitfaced to talk to each other and are only able to make grunting and clicking sounds. The attractive bar tender looks at me and asks me where I went to school. I attempt to tel her the name of the high school I went to when I realize I am now so drunk I am drooling....smooth Boso...smooth. I stop talking to her mid-sentence when I realize I have no game and about to blackout. Redbull and I roll outside to the patio and begin talking to some girls. Redbull is now super duper fucked up. He goes back to "violent PTSD mood" and keeps telling me he wants to get in a fight. I buy the angry drunk more booze. He drinks more liqour and is now docile and calm. I am leaning against a fence talking to some broads when Redbull suddenly loses the ability to stand up. He falls, grabs me, and takes me to the ground with him. I help him up, and he falls taking me to the ground with him. Bouncers now descend upon us "break us up", and kick us out for fighting. We try to explain we weren't fighting but trying to stand. We still must leave. I hail a cab. We get in a cab driven by a fatter version of Bernie Mac. Redbull forces the cab driver to address him as "staff sgt sir", and orders him to go to Taco Bell. We pull in line at Taco Bell. Redbull finds the adrenaline switch, says its time to drink more, and orders Fat Bernie to leave the line at Taco Bell (after we have ordered) and pull through the Brew Thru. Redbull orders 3 bottles of blue Alize, a case of Natural Light, and case of Budweiser. He orders 3 bottle of Alize so Fat Bernie aka OUR DRIVER "who looks sad" can have one. He pays about 90 bucks at the drive through in all. We then proceed to come down the street that our frat is on. Our cab begins to smoke from the engine. We pull in. We all get out and Fat Bernie opens the hood. A hose in the engine is ON FIRE. Fat Bernie says and I quote "fuck it, lets drink", and slams the hood shut. Redbull hands out all bottles of Blue Alize, and opens his. He attemtps to climb to the roof of the cab and falls. We all chug our bottles of Alize. The next couple of hours are a blur but here are the main points...

• Fat Bernie come in to our house (still calling Redbull "staff sgt sir") and boozes up in my room with us.
• Redbull's wife calls me, but I cannot find Redbull so I do not answer.
• I lose Redbull.
• Fat Bernie leaves and takes our beer.
• Ugly fat chicks we meet at the bar somehow come over. I tell them I think my friend is lost. They accuse me of trying to get them to leave. I call them all "fat whores", tell them how to get to Burger King, and then proceed to ask why they are drinking because they look pregnant.
• I still can't find Redbull. I think he has died for some reason.

My next memory is waking up on my floor. Naked and covered in what I can only hope was my own vomit. I find Redbull. He is down the hall in a "new guys" room. Redbull to this day does not know where he went during the hours he was gone. He apparently came in though, saw a open room with a bed in it, and decided to sleep in it. He had never meet NewGuy in his life so when NewGuy came back from parting he found a stranger in his bed. NewGuy is cool about this, moves drunk mess Redbull to his futon, and sleeps in his bed. Only at my house does shit like this happen. I look at my phone the next day and have a voicemail from WifeRedBull, she is pissed. The message went like this "Hey Boso, Its WifeRedBull and I am just calling you to tell you the Wedding is OFF FOR NEXT WEEKEND BECAUSE YOUR CANT ANSWER YOUR FUCKING CELL!!" I cannot put enough exclamation marks after this statement to describe how pissed she was. See RedBull and his wife got married in a courtroom before he left for the Middle East so she would have insurance and what not. They were having a fake wedding when he got home so that their families could attend. They ended up having it despite the threatening message.

In all, between RedBull and I bar tabs and such we spent over 350 dollars that night. I got one of the best stories ever from it, and the worst hangover ever. WifeRedBull is still pissed at me and RedBull is no longer allowed to go out with me if he wants to stay married.