The Party Bus

The latest adventure of my train wreck of a social life occurred June 27, 2009. My best friend from high school, Sugartits, called me and asked if I wanted to come up to Cleveland and party. Its was his roommates birthday and they had a party bus...I am in. I called my other two friends from high school (Giraffe and German) and along with giraffe's girlfriend (C.C.) we head up to Cleveland. I hop in the car and immediately start drinking vodka with soda that I have brought along for the hour long drive to Cleveland. I have also brought a new toy I recently bought...a portable breathalyser. After reading I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell which has basically become my bible; I have always idolized the Sushipants Story and wanted a tale of like this one of my own. I start pounding vodka and start blowing...by the time we arrive in Cleveland to meet Sugartits at Sushi Rock, I am already blowing a .09, and German is blowing a .07....not bad or so I thought. We go into this restaurant and are seated by the biggest skank with the biggest fake tits I have ever seen. These things were out of control, I mean ridiculous, and were way too big for her small frame. Yes, you all heard me, Boso said a girls tits were too big...I never thought I'd see this day either. I look at German and he is smiling/staring so much he has to look away and put his sunglasses on. We are seated and eat our meal. During the meal I continue to blow into by breathalyser so many times that Giraffe tries to fight me out of annoyance. We then go back to Sugartit's house and walk up the street to a place called Wherehouse Beverage. It is the best place ever. Half the store is wine, and half is beer. The beer side has singles and six packs of beers I have never heard of, names I can't pronounce, and from countries that I didn't even know made beer. I end up buying a couple jugs of Mississippi Mud. A black and tan beer that comes in a fucking moonshine bottle. It is about 32 ounce of shitfaceness in a bottle. We head over to Giant Eagle, buy domestic beer to whip ping pong balls at, and then head back to Sugartits. We then proceed to get shitfaced. I blow into my breathalyser after about 8 drinks...it reads .1. I figure I am doing good but something must be wrong because I have to be wayyy more fucked up than that because my teeth are numb, but I figure it could be right. I play a couple more games of beer pong, and when Sugartit's roommate comes home we proceed to do a bunch a shots of rum. I blow again .11 I figure maybe i just have a high alcohol tolerance even though I know this is not the case. Fuck it, lets party.

We chill upstairs until the party bus arrives. The "bus" is actually a an old school bus painted white and is driven by a ghetto ass man named "Cabbie D" who is wearing sunglasses at about 11pm. I board the bus with German, and we sit by two unattractive foreign chicks. Neither of these girls are hot and are far below my level, but I am hammered on a bus with limited options. You gotta work with what you got sometimes. I look over and German is slurring his ass off, droppin' game to the skank seated by him. I proceed to do the same thing...talking to this girl in between taking gulps of straight vodka, and then chasing it with Mississippi Mud. She tells me she just got out of a relationship, and of course I now exploit this opportunity, as now I know she is probably vulnerable and needy. I then proceed to lie to her; telling her I just got out of a long term relationship myself, and that I know how hard it is. I tell her she should just worry about having fun, and to experience new things all in an attempt to appear sensitive and caring so that maybe I can convince her to fuck me on the bus on the way home. German hears me lying to this girl and in his blacked out state shouts (for no apparent reason) "Bozman your a fuckin' liar. Mother fucker didn't get of any relationship." She asks me if this is true....I figure fuck it, so I tell her it is, and that I was just down to fuck. Both of them get up and go to the front of bus with me shouting "nerds sit in the front" as they leave. Good job German.

I then realize just how much I have to pee. I have to go so bad it hurts. Sugartits roommate Red says he has to go too. We proceed to go to the front of the bus and tell Cabbie D to pull over. He says no at first. I threaten to pee on him like R. Kelly if he doesn't pull over. He obliges, stops the bus in the middle of the road, and tells us to piss in a crowded parking lot in downtown Cleveland. I am drunk enough to listen to ghetto cab driver man and run into the parking lot with Red. I point out a Hummer H1 in the parking lot...you know the military version Hummers. I decided it is the nicest vehicle in the lot and therefore that's the one we should pee on. I tell Red to take the grill while I hose down the front wheel and step up panel. During this time I check my breathalyser. It reads .06 which cannot be true as I am completely a wreck. I convince myself that is a piece of shit, and then proceed to spike it like I just won the super bowl on the concrete. It shatters and I realize I just wasted 20 bucks. I am now angry and therefore wish to drink more when I get back on the "bus".

We then pull over to Liquid Club and get out, I am pissed, I hate clubs. I asked Sugartits when he told me to come up if we were going to clubs or bars; he knows I hate clubs and knows I probably wouldn't have came if he said we were going to clubs, so he lied and told me we were going to bars. We are going to clubs...all night. I now hate him and hope all his children are retarded. We go into Liquid. Immediately, I decided to get as drunk as possible. I see a bartender with Jello shots on my right by the entrance. I go up to the table and buy six shots and pound them. When the bartender turns around to put whipped cream on my shots I steal 3 beers from the cooler in front of me and shove them in my pants. I hate this place and tell German I am going to get my monies worth. He reminds me that there was no cover, and asks what the fuck I am talking about. I admit I really don't know what the fuck I am talking about and chug a full beer. I then proceed to find a bathroom. It is one large room with one toilet and one sink. For some reason Giraffe, German, C.C. and I all go in together. C.C. of course being a girl gets the toilet (who says chivalry is dead) Giraffe takes the sink, German takes the trash can, and I piss in a corner. Fuck clubs. We then exit and head to the downstairs dance floor. At this point I see that my fraternity brother and little brother "Gear" is working the door to the basement. I go up to him so that I won't have to in line with all of the popped collar, too tan, club fags, and he lets me in. He is hesitant at first, and informs me that I am almost too drunk to be in this club. I inform him that only because I am this drunk am I able to be in this hell on Earth, and tell him to get the fuck outta my way because I am here to "dance and shit". I fall down the stairs on the way to the basement which causes me to hate this place more. I find my friends and then head to the bar where I proceed to pour more vodka and redbull down my throat. I dance with some skanks....and then I blackout. I wake up at Sugartits on his living room floor. What the fuck? Here is what I remember that night and what has been inferred to me from the receipts I found in my pockets and what my friends told me.

• Apparently how I got back to Sugartits is the real mystery. I was not on the party bus for most of the way home, but somehow managed to get on at the end. Sugartits claims that searched for me before leaving the club, couldn't find me, and then the next thing he knew I was somehow back on the bus shotgunning beers. No one knows how I pulled this David Blaine type magical appearance.
• I remember (vaguely) leaving with a group of girls. I think I was going to hook up with the one, but then puked all over the backseat of the car I was in. They were not happy. They kicked me out after that, and left me to fend for myself in downtown Cleveland.
• Upon checking my wallet the next morning I realized I had no money. Zero. I checked my online banking and found out I made three large withdrawals. I have no idea why or what this money was spent on. I swear to God I am going to invent a debit card and cell phone that automatically shut off and will not work once a person blacks out. That way no unnecessary spending or drunk dials can take place.
• For some reason I bought 6 D cell batteries. I own nothing that uses these. I do not know why I bought these nor did I have any of the batteries the next morning. Only the receipt. Wtf?
• I somehow appeared on the party bus when it was almost back to Sugartits, and had with me buffalo chicken and sushi. I cannot explain this either.

Overall, this night sucked. I spend a lot of cash, failed to hook up with a girl because I vomited in her car, and lost four hours of my life. I somehow made it back though in a Homeward Bound like fashion, and lived to kick it another day. I do not know how. Read on.