Just Dance

This next event of my fucked up existence occurred April, 2008. I had to take a performing art class for my general education requirements. I only like to go to class two days a week (I actually schedule my classes this way; its not like I just get too hungover and don't go), so anyhow, the class "Viewing Dance" was the only art-type-bullshit class that fit in my schedule. I do not understand why I had to take this class, but I figured based on the title, I would be watching dances and sitting with a bunch of girls. I was right and there were only 5 guys in this class including myself; but was wrong about what I was to be doing. I ACTUALLY HAD TO DANCE. This class sucked. It was torture. I would have rather been waterboarded because at least that ends in less than 16 weeks. My prof was insane. She lacked any type of cognitive mental ability and was so easy to fuck with it almost made me feel bad (yea, right). Anyhow, I did meet some good looking girls in this class, despite my bad attitude and offensive comments. The fat/ugly chicks in this class were REALLY into it, and would always give me "fuck you" looks whenever I would refuse to do shit or say "this is gay" type comments. Anyhow, I cannot describe in words how bad I hated this class. For our "observational" paper we had to attend dances and write about our experiences. What we saw, how we felt about it, and so on. I was naive and actually attended one dance concert for the first paper. For the record I bullshitted the second paper, didn't attended a dance, and wrote about in a manner so as to not offend my prof any more so. My first paper however was a different tale. Here it is. Yes, I turned this in as it is posted:

“Spring into Ballet”

This paper reflects my views of The University of Akron Dance Companies performance of “Spring Into Dance” held April 11, 2008 at E.J. Thomas Hall that I recently attended with my fellow viewing dance colleague; BlondeCheer.
Let me first state that this was my first time going to a ballet performance, and it will almost certainly be my last. Yes, I am that closed minded. I was very thankful that they served alcohol as this drastically improved my attitude towards this event that I was required to go. After buying our six dollar tickets we preceded to our seats only to be told that we were permitted to sit wherever we wished. BlondeCheer (being a dancer herself) wanted to sit as close as we could (I suggested we sit in my in car in the parking lot). We chose seats that were to the right of the stage in the fifth row.

The ballet opened with a performance of both males and females dancing together in a performance what I would consider a mix of both contemporary and classical ballet. This part of the performance lasted a short time span of approximately 15-20 minutes (actual times may vary as my perception was becoming blurred with alcohol at this point).
After returning to our seats we both stared in awe as the females did their own routine. It was a mesmerizing performance of highly skilled artists that were clearly reflecting their love for dance of a form of art. They acted out their love for dance in a routine that had dance movement that was both aerial and ground based. At one point they formed two lines perpendicular to the stage, and performed a number of moves in unison using their flaying their limbs in every direction. I attempted to pick out the best looking, most flexible one so if I wasn’t too drunk (and therefore lost the ability to make audible sentences) would attempt to hook up with her later. In the middle of the routine the girls suddenly dropped to the ground at once in unison as the lighting, mood, and music all slowed down. It was at this point I had to remember to blink, as I could not take my eyes of the performance.

After the women’s routine the men did their own routine. They were dressed in clothing so tight it would not be permitted to be worn in a workout video from the 1970”s. It was a flagrant disregard of the unwritten and sacred codes of masculinity. They did a ballet performance that was a mix of different styles of dance moves of which the names I cannot remember nor would be able to pronounce. I am sure their dance moves made their fathers very proud. At this point I was thankful I was seated next to a girl so no one would think I was gay for watching this on a Friday night.

An intermission then occurred shortly thereafter. After returning, we witness the rest of the dance routine. My attention span was spent at this point resulting in mental “black out” of sorts. I awoke from my stupor only to mumble various rude and obscene comments to anyone who would listen or was within ear shot. I awoke from my state by the sounds of applause. I took a second to clear my head and comprehend my surroundings. Had it been seconds? Had it been Minutes? Days perhaps? I literally lost about an hour of my life at this moment. I got up and followed the masses out of the ballet as fast as possible.

Overall, this was a new experience that I would not voluntarily go to see unless I was trying to score points with an extremely attractive girl who is into dance; if and only this situation were to arise would I ever consider going back. The only dance I want to see from now on is performed on a stage with an abundance of poles and mirrors.

For the record my prof was not pleased at this essay, gave me an F (despite the fact I wrote about all the required material), and referred me to the "Dean of Dance" for my views and "derogatory attitude". Fuck it, I ended up with a 'A' in the class, didn't get expelled, and never did have to write the letter of apology I was told too. Dancing is gay unless you are drunk, and trying to get laid. I laugh every time I read this shit and hope all of you enjoyed it as well.